Why Are You Doing This?

The most asked question between my group of friends here in England is: 'What are you going to do after you're done with the Masters?' It started months ago and has become increasingly frequent as we face the end of class and the beginning of summer where all we have to do is write a small thesis before heading back to our respective homes. Everybody in my group is well aware of what I'm trying to do by now, I've talked their ears off about it for months, especially as I worked through the frustrating, and sometimes frightening, medical process. They have been incredibly supportive and seem genuinely excited for me, and I must say I am so blessed to have spent the past year with such an amazing group.

But I remember the first time I was asked that question many moons ago. It was late in the evening and it was just me and one of my classmates sipping tea, as one is wont to do in England. We had been talking about our program and how we want to do well in it especially because she wants to go into a PhD program back in her home country. 'Well,' she asked, 'what do you want to do when you get back?' I told her I'm trying to join the Peace Corps, explaining to her what it was. 'That sounds really cool! How much will you get paid?' Uhh...not much. It's volunteer, though I will get a small payment when I complete my service. 'Then why are you doing it?'

Pushing aside the urge to rant about how money Is Not Everything, it is a valid question that every applicant and volunteer needs to continuously ask themselves. Why are you doing this? I'm sure I was asked this question in my interview, but as I face the very real possibility of a possible invite, I go back to this question and think about it. Why am I doing this?

My immediate response is that I want to help people. I want to make a difference in this world, change it and make it a little better, touch a life even if it is just in the smallest of ways. I've always wanted to help people, and I want to improve other's lives. But I try to blink these stars out of my eyes, try not to be naive (but maybe that makes me cynical?), be completely honest with myself, and recognise that I may not make much of a difference. Studies show that less than 50% of RPCV feel they made significant lasting impressions in their communities. I read about PCV coming to their end of service who feel disheartened and disillusioned as their projects fail or as they realise that things haven't changed much since they've started service. So if that's the only reason you do it, to make a change, how do you get over that? If that's the only reason you do it, how do you get over the fact that it may all be in vain? You could have just stayed in the States. As I have been reminded multiple times, I made a small difference in my students back home and touched their lives. Why devote 27 months of your life abroad to something that you are just as likely, if not more so, to succeed in if you stay State-side?

For me, helping people is not the only reason I'm doing this, which may be selfish, but there you go. Even if I don't make any lasting impression, there are other reasons why I'm doing this that, no matter what happens, will be satisfied. I also want to do it because I want to travel and live in another country. I want to truly experience another culture in the way that only comes from actually living in it, learning the language and becoming a member of a community. I want to learn about people. I want to be challenged, challenged in every way, challenged so much I can't see straight. I want everything I know to be questioned and every belief I have scrutinised. I want to experience that awe I get everywhere I go when I look at people and realise how, no matter how different we seem to be at first, at heart we are all the same - all human, all people. I want to test the Universal Truths I've developed over the years that I think are in all people no matter where they're from.

I really think it's these reasons that will help me the most when push comes to shove, that will help me get to the end of my service with a smile on my lips and joy in my heart. Even if I end up teaching English and the students are staring at me without an ounce of caring in their eyes, no one recognising how much work I put into what I do, it'll be okay. It'll actually make me laugh because (I wish I could tell those volunteers who are bemoaning these very problems in their various countries) it's the exact same way in the States, the long hours without any recognition and students who would rather watch grass grow than listen to you explain what pluperfect and future perfect tenses are. My desires, the reasons why I'm doing this will still be satisfied, no matter what happens. Because even if I change nothing and touch not a single life, I know wherever I go they will change and touch me. And that's all I really want, all I really ask for.

But to be honest, none of these reasons fully and completely express why I'm doing this. It's all of these things and more. It's a feeling in my soul, something that I can't quite put into words. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's like a calling. I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. And I can't freakin' wait.