IMC 2010

Last week was the International Medieval Congress here in Leeds. It's one of the largest gatherings of medievalists in the world, and is a nerdy medievalist's heaven: four intense days of papers, lectures, discussions, workshops, and a dance. I went to so many sessions I felt like my brain was about to leak from my ears, but I truly enjoyed most of them. One of the sessions I went to was a round table discussion for a coming conference on gender, time, and memory (I keep finding myself being sucked into gender studies...). It was really interesting, and I was actually able to contribute to the discussion (a first!) and offer ideas for potential papers while advising others on their work. Afterwards, one of the speakers approached me and asked me if I would be submitting a paper to the conference because she really liked my ideas and wanted to hear more about them. I told her I couldn't. She was persistent, asking me why. I explained to her that I would be in Ukraine next January, when the conference will be held, and there would be no way I could attend. She seemed disappointed (and surprised that I am only an MA student), telling me she hoped to see me soon at the very least.

I also presented my own paper at the IMC. It was on Icelandic literature and was an exploration of how Örvar-Odds saga is a critique of the fornaldarsögur (sounds impressive, huh?). It went incredibly well. I made people laugh (intentionally) and was told that my paper was very easy to follow and my argument was very clear. Afterwards, I was approached by multiple different people, PhD candidates, Professors, people who study Icelandic literature for a living, asking me if I would publish the paper, would I continue my study in Icelandic literature, and where I would be going for my PhD next year. I told all of them that, while I will try to publish my paper someday, I wasn't going to be starting my PhD anytime soon. Each of them asked me why, and I found myself explaining over and over again that I was going into the Peace Corps and that I would be in Ukraine come this fall. It was intense.

It just really put my decision to join the Peace Corps instead of getting my PhD right away into perspective. I have been encouraged by a couple of my professors to get my PhD, but the response I received during the IMC was overwhelming. It just made me wonder, made me think about this choice I'm making and how...sad I am about how my formal study in medieval literature is coming to an end, even if it turns out to be temporary. There's nothing wrong with taking a couple of years off between my MA and my PhD, in fact it's something I would encourage since I am so thankful I took a year off between my BA and my MA, but it still made me think about my future and how sad I am leaving academia behind. I know I'm not ready to settle down to work on a PhD for 4-6 years just yet, I know I wouldn't be happy doing that right now, I have too much of the wanderlust, too many things I want to do and see, but what about after the Peace Corps? Will I be ready then? Or will I never be able to completely settle down in the way needed to work in academia? Will I ever be able to return for my PhD, ever return to the field that I love so passionately but which still doesn't completely satisfy me?

I think that's ultimately the problem. I just don't know what I want to do after the Peace Corps. I know, I know, I haven't even left yet, I have plenty of time to figure it out, over 27 months in fact. But there are so many things I want in life, so many things I want to do, and I'm just not sure which path I should choose, if any of them would actually completely satisfy me. It saddens and, yes, frightens me to know that I may ultimately not continue in academia, may not get my PhD when it's something I want so badly. To know that this might really be the end of my studies. The IMC really put that all into perspective, made me realise what exactly I'm giving up, what exactly I'm leaving behind as I prepare to leave for the Peace Corps. It's going to be worth it, I know. The Peace Corps is going to be amazing, it's going to be such an experience. But still...

No matter what ultimately happens, though, I plan on trying to get a couple of things published over the next few years while in Ukraine. I'm pretty sure I could get two or three articles out of my MA thesis plus that Icelandic paper, and if I could get something published, it would look really good on my resume if I do continue in academia and apply to get my PhD (which would offset my awful GRE Subject Test score...boo to the GRE Subject Test...). Maybe I won't continue in academia, maybe this really is the end, but I'm not willing to shut that door just yet. I'm going to keep my options open, and maybe, hopefully, the next few years in the Peace Corps will help me decide what my next step will be.

And besides, even if I don't end up in academia, it's not like I can't study medieval literature on my own. I love what I do, I love it so freaking much, and that will never go away, no matter what. What can I say, I'm a nerdy medievalist at heart.